Dr. Joli Hamilton and Ken Hamilton

Playing With Fire

A Relationships and Society & Culture podcast

About the show

Welcome to Playing With Fire, the podcast for people who are ready to custom-build their love. We’re talking about non-monogamy–however you design it–as an individuation opportunity. Want to leave the default and make your life spectacularly you? You’re in the right place.

Newest episodes

265 Trauma-Sensitive Relating: A Non-Therapist’s Guide

Nov 14, 2026 49 min

When someone you love is triggered, it’s tempting to fix it, fear it, or talk them out of it. None of those tend to help. So what does it actually means to be a trauma-sensitive partner, and just as importantly, what does it not mean? This isn’t a clinical conversation or a way of labeling who has trauma and who doesn’t. It’s a look at what has worked, and what hasn’t, in our own relationship, including what happens to trauma sensitivity when non-monogamy enters the picture and one of you is about to go on a date. Whether you’re the one who gets triggered, the one offering support, or (most likely) both at different times, this conversation will give you a more grounded way to show up for each other without losing yourself in the process. In this episode, we talk about: — What it means to be a trauma-sensitive partner without clinical labels or checklists — Why a trigger response can look out of proportion to the moment, and how your partner’s nervous system may be reacting to far more than what’s happening right now — Why naming someone’s trigger for them rarely helps, and why using therapy language isn’t the same as practicing trauma sensitivity — How to believe your partner without joining their reality or enmeshing, and without dismissing it either — Why caretaking and “armchair therapist mode” keep couples going in circles instead of spirals, and why healing can’t be rushed — Why trauma sensitivity doesn’t mean canceling the date or making your life smaller, and how the martyr and hero roles sneak in — Handling triggers around dating in non-monogamy and not letting the toddlers drive the bus — Co-parenting each other’s inner children, consent, and why someone’s history isn’t their limitation — Why trauma-sensitive support goes both ways, and knowing the limits of your own capacity to support — How Neuro-Somatic Intelligence (NSI) tools build regulation, interoception, and co-regulation for everyone Resources mentioned in this episode: — Our episode on the eroti...

264 How Middle-Age Sex Changes Everything

Nov 7, 2026 49 min

Somewhere along the way, most of us learned that a good relationship is one where nothing changes. Eternal, unending, and unchanging: that’s the story monogamy hands us, and it quietly teaches us to treat any change, in ourselves or in our partners, as something gone wrong. That’s exactly what happens when sex and desire start to feel different as we transition into midlife. This episode is about getting curious about change instead of pathologizing it. We talk about transitions–from menopause, changing machinations of desire, the eighteen months we now call *the dark times–*and what can happen when the fear of change makes intimacy feel unrecognizable. In this episode, we talk about: — Why we’re taught to pathologize change, and how the myth of an eternal, unchanging relationship turns midlife changes in sex into a sign that something is wrong — What menopause and perimenopause can mean for desire and relationships, including feeling done settling, noticing old self-abandonment, and the idea of menopause as the “renewal years” — Why cultural stories of masculinity and femininity give us such different scripts for change, and why men are rarely offered a story about how they’ll change — How sexual desire shifts over a lifetime, including spontaneous versus responsive desire and the dual control model — The difference between consenting to perform and consenting to be authentic in sex, and why figuring out what you want takes experimentation and curiosity — The performance of unchangingness and virility: how pressure around erections and sexual performance gets in the way of intimacy — What the dark times taught us about resisting change, avoiding conversations about desire, and what actually shifted (attitude, imagination, and resilience, not a return to a younger body) — How comparison, especially when dating other people in non-monogamy, can quietly shape arousal and self-image — Why partners needing different versions of you strains your hinge skills, and why dis...

263 Creative, Conscious, Chosen Monogamy

Oct 31, 2026 47 min

Choosing monogamy on purpose is very different from defaulting, or being forced, into it. So what does it actually take to choose monogamy with real agency? This is we call creative monogamy: a relationship built around monogamy but custom-designed by the two people in it. The tools we're handed for monogamy–like unspoken expectations and agreements–don't stretch very far. But the skills of non-monogamy translate beautifully back to monogamy. And once you've started asking questions, there's no real "going back" to default monogamy. The more interesting question is whether your monogamy is consciously chosen, and whether it supports your differentiation and individuation. In this episode, we talk about: — Why you don't need non-monogamy to do individuation work (and why default monogamy rarely invites it) — Why non-monogamy skills translate to monogamy, but monogamy's default tools don't stretch the other way — The difference between default monogamy and conscious, consciously chosen monogamy — How much distance from the cultural story of monogamy you need to truly choose it, without having to practice anything else — Why "forever" turns monogamy into a one-way door and what that does to agency and ongoing consent — Why monogamy with a built-in time frame or review date feels different in the body — What's actually exclusive about your relationship, and why exclusivity usually assumes it will never change — What "emotional affairs" are often pointing to, and why talking about trust and meaning works better than policing friendships — Why agreements matter most as the ongoing conversations that make expectations visible, in any relationship structure — How hidden expectations like "firsts" show up for monogamous and non-monogamous couples alike — Practicing differentiation in a closed relationship: the difference between telling your partner what they can do and sharing what you're willing to take in — Why the lens of multiplicity keeps you from flattening your partn...

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All episodes

The newest 50 of 270 episodes

265 Trauma-Sensitive Relating: A Non-Therapist’s Guide

Nov 14, 2026 49 min

264 How Middle-Age Sex Changes Everything

Nov 7, 2026 49 min

263 Creative, Conscious, Chosen Monogamy

Oct 31, 2026 47 min

262 My Partner Isn’t as Excited as I Am: Asymmetry in the Opening Process

Oct 24, 2026 39 min

Opening a relationship rarely involves both people feeling the exact same level of excitement at all times. And that asymmetry in energy, enthusiasm, readiness, and initiative can bring up a whole host of confusing questions and challenging dynamics. We see this all the time. One person has a deeper inspiration, and the other person is receptive, but not as enthusiastic or motivated. This is totally normal. But our mono-normative culture reinforces narratives about who has the “good deal” and who has the “bad deal,” who’s responsible for all the hard stuff, and who gets to just enjoy the benefits. But here's the thing: trying to force symmetry into an inherently asymmetric situation doesn't work. Nature itself runs on asymmetry. The real work is learning to engage with the asymmetry rather than fighting against it – and that means both people taking radical responsibility for their own journey, their own consent, and their own growth. In this episode, we talk about: — Why asymmetric energy between partners is completely normal when opening a relationship — The difference between endogenous inspiration versus receiving the idea from a partner — How the stories we tell ourselves about this asymmetry can either bring us together or drive us apart — Why the person with initiating energy doesn't automatically become "good at" non-monogamy — The trap of trying to restore symmetry and why it's unnatural (and ultimately impossible) — How asymmetry can flip over time – and why the initiating partner often struggles when their "stable foundation" starts exploring too — The critical importance of engaged, enthusiastic, informed consent – even when you're not the inspired partner — Why enthusiasm in consent doesn't mean you have to like everything, and what it means instead — How taking ownership of your own learning process (rather than relying on your partner to teach you everything) is essential — The reality that paradigm shifts take 3-5 years of active participation – and...

261 Can You Love More Than One Person and Still Feel Secure? Love, Grief, and Growth with Lunarosa Peralta

Oct 17, 2026 58 min

When your partner falls in love with someone else, becomes a parent, or moves through profound grief during a breakup, you witness a transformation that has nothing to do with you. Except, as a witness, it also has the potential to affect you, and your relationships, profoundly. This week, we're joined by Lunarosa Peralta, a Xhicana therapist and poet specializing in consensual non-monogamy, kink, and sex worker affirming care. She brings both professional expertise and deeply personal experience to this conversation, having recently navigated some of the most destabilizing changes imaginable: watching one partner move through engagement, marriage, relocation, and becoming a father, while simultaneously supporting another partner through a painful breakup. What Lunarosa shares is raw, tender, and incredibly valuable. She talks about the grief that lives at the heart of all meaningful change, the work of re-creating your belonging when everything shifts, and why trying to understand your way out of pain might actually be protecting you from what you really need to feel. If you've ever struggled with being the witness to your partner's transformation—or if you're trying to figure out how to hold yourself when no one else can catch you—this conversation will meet you exactly where you are. In this episode, we talk about: — Why opening a relationship might mean you want to "break something" (and what that really means about growth and transformation) — The reality that change will happen in your relationships – and that you can't ask to change your relationship without expecting it to actually change — Why grief is an essential part of navigating non-monogamy, not a sign that something's wrong — The profound experience of watching your partner become deeply alive through someone else — What it means to be a witness versus being witnessed, and why you need more than one person to see you — The existential questions that arise when your partner changes — How to re-create...

260 ‘I feel seen… but not by you’ – Metamours, Jealousy, and Differentiation

Oct 10, 2026 38 min

Have you ever wondered what your partner looks like through someone else's eyes? It's a question that can bring up a swirl of emotions—curiosity, insecurity, excitement, maybe even panic. But what if that willingness to wonder is actually one of the keys to navigating jealousy and building deeper, more differentiated relationships? This episode dives into the beautiful, messy reality of watching our partners be seen in new ways. We explore how the presence of others (metamours, new partners, even close friends) can expose aspects of our partners we've never encountered, and how that can feel both threatening and liberating. We talk about the ego wobbles, the fear of being left behind, and the grief that comes with accepting that we can never fully know or experience everything about our partners. And we discuss why non-monogamy, for all its challenges, can be powerful medicine for breaking the illusion that we ever could. In this episode, we talk about: — The terror and confusion that can arise when a partner says they feel seen by someone who isn't you — How being seen freshly by someone new can help us discover new facets of ourselves — The fear that a new aspect of your partner won't fit in your relationship, and what to do with that fear — Our own experiences with this phenomenon in the context of kink — Why we can't (and shouldn't try to) replicate every version of our partners in our own relationships with them — The grief and poignancy of accepting that you'll never experience everything with your partner, and why that's actually essential to differentiation — How the illusion of monogamy can keep us from dealing with the reality that our partners are truly other — The tendency to displace discomfort onto metamours instead of sitting with the reality that our partner feels unfamiliar — Why increasing our distress tolerance around our partner's otherness is essential to individuation — How non-monogamy strips away the mirage that we could ever fully know or co...

259 Getting Unstuck: How a Frozen Imagination Blocks the Relationship You Want

Oct 3, 2026 55 min

What if the thing that’s really stopping you from changing your relationships isn’t a lack of motivation or willpower, but a frozen imagination? We all hold internal representations of ourselves, our partners, and our relationships in our minds. This isn’t a bad thing. But when those images remain static, we stop seeing how things actually are and starting interacting with their outdated versions. This prevents us, our partners, and our relationships from accessing aliveness, creative potential, and the opportunity to grow into something new. But we can thaw out these frozen images, and when we do, we open ourselves up to possibilities that we couldn’t have imagined before. In this episode, we talk about: — Why our imaginations of ourselves, our partners, and our relationships gets frozen in the first place — How frozen images can be both protective and limiting at the same time — The difference between intentionally freezing aspects of a relationship temporarily (like during a crisis) versus getting stuck in outdated versions — Why agreements are actually a byproduct of the ongoing work of updating our expectations and images — How emotional heat can help thaw out frozen images — The role of projections in keeping our images of others frozen — Why thawing out doesn't mean the frozen image was "wrong," and what it means instead — How frozen images from childhood and family systems continue to impact our adult relationships — The power of reintroduction rituals and accountability in updating relational images — Why asking "who in me is frozen?" can be more helpful than asking if your whole self-image is frozen — How trauma narratives can become frozen images that need to be inhabited fully before they can be thawed — The ongoing nature of this work and why it's both challenging and delightful Resources mentioned in this episode: — Episode 250 Relationship Re-Imagination: The Framework — Episode 204 Liminality: Your Key to Relationship Paradigm Shifting JOIN The Year...

258 Patterns of Harm Need Patterns of Repair: Rethinking Closure

Sep 26, 2026 32 min

Ever feel like you're having the same conversation about the same hurt over and over again? Yeah, we’ve been there. And the surprising thing is… that's not necessarily a problem. We just did an episode on conflict and how it can actually deepen intimacy (wild, right?). But during that conversation, something came up that deserves its own deep dive: closure. What even is closure? When does repair actually end? And why do some of us need to revisit the same hurts multiple times while others just want to "move on already"? This is where things get tricky. There's often frustration, blame, even shame around the fact that certain wounds keep resurfacing. One partner might feel superior because they can "just get over things," while the other feels broken for needing more time and repetition. But here's what we've learned through our own relationship and through working with hundreds of people: patterns of harm require patterns of repair. And understanding the difference between a loop and a spiral? That changes everything. In this episode, we talk about: — What repair actually means (spoiler: it's way more than just saying "I'm sorry") — The difference between closure and pretending something never happened — Why closure doesn't mean you forget or stop feeling hurt by what happened — How to tell if you're stuck in a loop versus moving through a spiral of growth — Why defensiveness will slam your spiral right back into a circle every single time — The role of changed behavior, accountability, and taking responsibility in true repair — Why some relationships stay stuck — How forgiveness language can sometimes be used to rush past real repair (and why we're cautious about that word) — The reality that you'll always remember significant harms—and that's actually okay — Why bringing up past hurts isn't manipulation—it's often an invitation to deeper knowing — How resentment forms when we pretend to "just get over" things without actually processing them Resources mentioned in...

257 Conflict as Growth: Deepening Intimacy through Disagreement

Sep 19, 2026 51 min

When we see conflict as a red flag, we pave the way for dishonest ‘peace,’ people pleasing (where no one is actually pleased at all), and emotional walls that try to protect us but end up leaving us isolated and disconnected. The truth is that conflict is not inherently a sign that something is going wrong in the relationship. In fact, generative conflict is the pathway to deeper connection and growth. This conversation gets real about the extremes of dysfunctional conflict (cheap peace and violent disagreement), what generative conflict actually looks like, and how it can bring people together instead of pulling them apart. In this episode, we talk about: — Why conflict isn't a sign that something's wrong with your relationship (and what it actually signals instead) — The spectrum of conflict: from dishonest harmony to violent disharmony, and how to find the generative middle ground — Ken's transformation from conflict-avoidant to someone who can sit in the discomfort with curiosity and patience — How gender dynamics and emotional labor show up in who does the work of naming and navigating conflict — The power of asking "what else is it?" instead of dismissing someone's feelings or getting defensive — Why making space for your partner's inner child (and historical wounds) can be relationship-changing — The difference between taking something personally and taking it on—and how ego strength plays a role — Practical skills that have reduced our conflict duration by 90% (seriously) — Why repair can and should start during the conflict, not just after — How conflict skills become even more essential when you're opening your relationship — The importance of curiosity, vulnerability, and dropping defensiveness when things get heated — Why hypervigilance from childhood can make us defend against there being "more" to a conflict Resources mentioned in this episode: — Our Repair Skills Playlist — Our Imago Dialogue Playlist JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full yea...

256 Leaving High-Demand Religion and Exploring Non-Monogamy with Natasha Helfer

Sep 12, 2026 48 min

Leaving high-demand religion isn't just about changing your Sunday morning schedule. It’s about deconstructing a belief system that touches everything in your life. And when you start pulling on this thread, you might find yourself questioning monogamous norms too. These processes can open you up to a wealth of opportunities, but they can also bring a whole lot of uncertainty online. That’s why we're thrilled to bring you this conversation with Natasha Helfer, an AASECT-certified sex therapist supervisor and licensed marriage and family therapist with 30 years of experience working at the intersection of conservative religious upbringing, sexuality, and internalized sexual shame. Natasha was excommunicated from the Mormon church for her advocacy work, so alongside her professional expertise, she brings a wealth of lived experience to this topic. If you've ever struggled with the aftermath of purity culture, if you're deconstructing from high-demand religion while exploring non-monogamy, or if you're supporting someone through this journey, this episode offers validation, insight, and practical frameworks for understanding what's really happening during deconstruction and reconstruction. In this episode, we talk about: — What makes a religion "high-demand" and why sexual behavior monitoring is such a central feature — The difference between being pushed out (excommunication) versus choosing to leave, and why both can be traumatic — Why deconstruction is not a linear process with a clear endpoint — How compulsory monogamy in mainstream culture mirrors compulsory polygamy in fundamentalist communities (and why that realization is so important) — The challenge of doing adolescent developmental work in midlife while simultaneously navigating midlife transitions — Why people deconstructing from one thing (like religion) often start questioning everything else (like monogamy), and why that's actually a natural part of the process — The grief of leaving certainty behind, bo...

255 When should we start making agreements in NEW relationships?

Sep 5, 2026 49 min

Here’s a question we get a lot – at what point in a new relationship should you start making agreements? The answer might surprise you: you already are. From the moment you decide where to meet for a first date, you're making agreements. But most of us are worried about being ‘too much’ or making a fuss, so we walk around with unspoken expectations, trying to be ‘cool’ and ‘chill,’ hoping everything will just magically work out. Agreements might seem like a vibe-killer, but in reality, the fear of seeming too rigid or demanding can set you up for heartbreak, confusion, and a whole lot of unnecessary pain. The truth is, agreements aren't about constraining your relationships or killing spontaneity. They're about making your expectations visible so you can actually relate to each other instead of just hoping you're on the same page. This is especially relevant when we shift from monogamy to non-monogamy, because our entire framework for safety, trust, and connection changes, and clear agreements become essential. In this episode, we talk about: — Why you're already making agreements whether you realize it or not (and why pretending you're not is causing problems) — The difference between implicit expectations and explicit agreements, and why making them visible changes everything — The problems that come along with the fear of "not being cool" or "asking for too much" — Why every agreement you make is actually with yourself, not your partner (this is a game-changer) — The power of starting small — How to handle asymmetries in relationships without pretending everything is "fair" or "equal" — Why agreements need revisit dates built in, and how to avoid only renegotiating when someone's already hurt — The liberation that comes from knowing where you stand, even when the agreement isn't what you'd prefer — How to make "minimum viable agreements" and first-draft agreements that you can adjust as you learn what you actually want — Why defining your terms matters more than...

254 How to Figure Out What You Want and Need: An Insider’s Experience of YOO

Aug 29, 2026 1 hr 4 min

Figuring out what your wants and needs might sound simple, but it’s often… really not. To help you navigate this question, we’re bringing you a super special episode in a never-before-seen (and possibly never to be seen again!) format. This episode is excerpted from a community call inside The Year Of Opening®, our private community for people who are on the path of individuation and de-centering monogamy. Wants and needs was a highly requested topic, and the resulting call was truly special. Everyone you’ll hear in this call consented to having the audio shared as a PWF episode, and we are thrilled to invite you into this inside peek! In this episode, we talk about: — Why many of us struggle to name our wants, and how our histories shape our relationship with desire — The difference between needs and wants, and why that distinction matters in non-monogamy — How the mono-mind limits our imagination of what's possible — The protective mechanisms we use to avoid wanting — Why some people enjoy longing and yearning while others find it unbearable — The concept of limerence and how fantasy can both serve and limit us — Using envy as a tool for desire excavation (and when envy becomes destructive) — How to create containers for exploratory conversations about desires — Why trusting your partner's "no" is essential for feeling safe to express your "yes" — The difference between wants you've been sold and wants that authentically arise from within — Practical strategies for desire excavation — How to write solo MVAs (Minimum Viable Agreements) with yourself about your boundaries and capacities JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for a Playing With Fire Community Call here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

253 The Shadow of Compersion

Aug 15, 2026 43 min

Compersion – feeling joy for another person’s joy – is a beautiful thing, especially when it comes to non-monogamy. But, like anything that’s bright and shiny, there’s a shadow side to compersion, and we’ve seen it become a stumbling block in non-monogamous relationships time and time again. When we elevate compersion as a virtue in polyamory, we accidentally create some real problems. Surprisingly, the shadow of compersion isn't about jealousy at all—it's about the pressure, the performance, and the unintended consequences of treating compersion like a moral requirement. If compersion is virtuous, does that mean the absence of compersion is a moral failing? Most of us would say no, but conversations within our communities often tell a different story; people who experience compersion are elevated, celebrated, and held up as examples of "doing non-monogamy right," while those who don't feel compersion end up feeling like they're failing at non-monogamy. In this episode, we talk about: — Why compersion and jealousy are not mutually exclusive (you can feel both at the same time!) — The dangerous elevation of compersion as a virtue and what that does to people who don't experience it easily — How the pressure to feel compersion can lead to performative emotions and enmeshment — The difference between big, electric compersion and the subtle, quiet bubbles of compersion that are easy to miss — Why your partner doesn't owe you compersion, and why demanding it creates unhealthy dynamics — The importance of neutrality and consent as valid emotional states (not everything has to feel good to be okay) — How focusing too much on compersion can cause us to neglect other important emotions like grief, envy, and jealousy — The archetypal nature of emotions and why we need to tend to all of them, not just the "positive" ones — Why jealousy isn't something we can or should transmute into compersion — Practical ways to interrupt harmful cultural conversations that demonize jealousy...

252 Triad Life in a World of Couples with Margo, Jody & Chris

Aug 1, 2026 1 hr 15 min

Relationships are messy, and when you re-imagine life with three instead of two, well, let's just say the complexity multiplies in ways you might not expect, even if you've been practicing non-monogamy for decades. So what does it actually take to build a throuple that both honors each person's individuality and creates a beautiful togetherness? And how do you navigate that when each person brings their own neurodivergence, relationship history, and vision of what love should look like? This week, we're sitting down with Margo, Chris, and Jodi—affectionately known as "the Throupledom"—to talk about their journey of building a relationship that defies easy categorization. These three incredible humans are Year Of Opening® alums, and what unfolded inside their cohort was nothing short of transformative. They've experimented with living arrangements, deconstructed couples privilege from multiple angles, navigated different timelines of NRE wearing off, and created space for one partner to explore mono-amory while staying in a throuple. If you've ever wondered whether it's possible to be in a committed multi-partner relationship while honoring radically different relationship orientations, or if you're curious about what it really takes to dismantle default relationship structures, this conversation is for you. In this episode, we talk about: — How Chris and Margo's 20+ years of "messy" non-monogamy didn't fully prepare them for the game-changing nature of this triad — Why Jodi falling in love for the first time brought up all the "mono normie Disney princess brouhaha" neither of them expected — The pivotal moment when Jodi admitted, "I was trying to break you two up," and how that radical honesty became a turning point — How neurodivergence (ADHD, autism, PTSD) shapes each person's relationship needs and why recognizing these patterns was essential to their survival as a throuple — The difference between bifurcating yourself across relationships versus showing up as yo...

251 Trailblazing vs Following: The Hidden Dynamic That May Be Creating Resentment

Jul 18, 2026 48 min

When a couple opens their relationship, there’s almost always one partner who tends to take more initiative – to seek out information, read all the books, listen to podcasts, find a poly-aware therapist, initiate important conversations (the list goes on!). This is not necessarily a problem, but it is a dynamic we see all the time, and when it goes unrecognized, unnamed, and unacknowledged, resentment, guilt, and envy can start to build up. We call this the ‘trailblazer and follower,’ and if it feels like you or your partner is doing all the heavy lifting in the opening process, understanding this dynamic may be the key to helping you understand the feelings and patterns that are coming up in your relationship. In this episode, we talk about: — The trailblazer and follower dynamic and why it's so common in relationships opening up — How one partner often ends up carrying the emotional weight of "this was my idea" — Why the follower partner might experience guilt while the trailblazer experiences resentment (even when neither person voices these feelings) — What happens during "the flip" — when the reluctant partner suddenly starts thriving, and the initiating partner feels left behind — The dangerous trap of seeking "parity of outcome" and why symmetry in relationships is neither realistic nor necessary — How unexpressed resentment and guilt can sabotage relationships right when they're about to reach a sweet spot — Why taking full responsibility for your own consent and participation (even when something wasn't your idea) is essential for individuation — The importance of expressing gratitude when you're benefiting from someone else's trailblazing work — How the Imago Dialogue can help partners understand each other's perspectives and do repair work around these dynamics — Why differentiation means accepting that you and your partner will have different experiences, different paths, and different levels of success in non-monogamy — How to recognize when you've fall...

250 Relationship Re‑Imagination: The Framework

Jul 4, 2026 2 hr 24 min

To celebrate hitting 250 episodes of Playing With Fire, we’re diving deep into something we've been asked about constantly since our first episode on it over a year ago: Relationship Re-Imagination. We introduced this concept back in episode 194, and the response was immediate and intense; people wanted steps, phases, a roadmap—something they could follow to Re-Imagine their relationships. But this is not a linear process you can follow off a checklist. This is soul-making work. It's the kind of deep, transformative process that asks you to see yourself, your partner(s), and your relationship with fresh eyes—and then co-create something new from that place of awareness. It's messy, non-linear, and profoundly worthwhile, and we're finally ready to share what we've learned from years of doing this work, both in our own relationship and with hundreds of clients and students. This episode is different from our usual format. Ken interviews Joli about her framework for Relationship Re-Imagination, and we get into the complexity of what this work actually requires. In this episode, we talk about: — What Relationship Re-Imagination actually is (and what it isn't) — Why this isn't the same as couples counseling, de-escalation, or conscious uncoupling — The essential conditions required before you even begin this work — Why you absolutely cannot do this work in three months (or even six), and what a realistic timeline might look like — The four ongoing conditions of a Re-Imagination — The threads you'll weave together during the process, including nervous system, grief, shadow, repair, and becoming work — How to know when you've crossed a threshold and why ritual matters so much — The three potential outcomes of discernment work, and why conscious uncoupling isn't a failure — How to celebrate the hell out of your transformation Resources mentioned in this episode: — Episode 194 of Playing With Fire: Our first conversation about relationship re-imagination — ⁠The Wild Edge of...

[Replay] 194 Re-Imagining Relationships

Jun 27, 2026 51 min

When something isn't working, even if you’ve been practicing non-monogamy for a long time, it’s really easy to default into the monogamous paradigm, which offers only a few set options. But what if there was another way? Reimagining a relationship means creating something new. It's different from de-escalation (which implies undoing a path you've taken) or uncoupling (which implies ending). Instead, reimagining opens space to explore what your relationship could become if you moved beyond your current ideas of what it is or was supposed to be. This process requires courage, patience, and a willingness to step into the unknown together. It's challenging work, but it can lead to beautiful new forms of connection that honor both your history and your ability to grow and change. In this episode, we talk about: — Why reimagining is different from de-escalation or uncoupling, and how it implies continuity rather than ending — The importance of acknowledging that our imagination is our relationship in many ways — How mononormativity limits our options when relationships need to change (stay together, break up, or be miserable) — The necessity of creating a "liminal container" – a dedicated time and space for the reimagining process — Why grief work is essential before you can truly reimagine something new — The challenge of letting go of what was while maintaining connection — How repair work fits into reimagination (hint: you can't skip it!) — The importance of nervous system regulation during times of uncertainty — Why creating new, explicit agreements is crucial for your reimagined relationship — The value of celebrating when you successfully reimagine a relationship into something new — How the language of "reimagining" itself can be empowering and create possibilities Resources mentioned in this episode: — The Wild Edge of Sorrow by Francis Weller — Episode 152: How to Take Intentional Relationship Breaks — Episode 172: Grieving Change JOIN The Year Of Opening® commun...

249 Is Your Non‑Monogamy Actually Just Two Monogamies?

Jun 20, 2026 48 min

So you made the transition to non-monogamy… but you ended up feeling like you’re living two separate parallel lives in different relationships. This might not seem like that big a deal from the outside, but in many cases, having a siloed relational life can cause profound suffering. This isn’t just about having different relationships with different people (that’s normal and healthy, whether you’re monogamous or not!). It’s about psychological fragmentation that can lead to broken commitments, memory gaps, and a sense of wrongness you can’t seem to shake. I call this bifurcated monogamy—a phenomenon where people unconsciously split their relational world into separate, incompatible realities. If you've ever struggled with time management between partners, found yourself unable to remember important details, or felt completely broken when two partners are in the same room together, this episode will help you understand what's happening and what you can do about it. In this episode, we talk about: — What bifurcated monogamy actually is and how it differs from healthy parallel polyamory — Psychological splitting and how it shows up in non-monogamous relationships — The difference between holding multiplicity as your whole self versus fragmenting into separate selves — Red flags to watch for: time blindness, memory gaps, mutually exclusive commitments, and feeling "broken" when partners are together — How internalized polyphobia fuels the unconscious need to split our relational worlds — The role of mono-normative conditioning and why we have to keep "squeegeeing our souls" of these projections — Ken's personal experiences with this phenomenon across romantic relationships, co-parenting dynamics, and even professional contexts — Why privacy needs versus transparency needs can create impossible situations without awareness — The protective mechanism behind splitting and why it makes sense (even though it doesn't actually protect us) — Practical tools for addressing bifur...

248 Beyond People-Pleasing: Practicing Healthy Autonomy in Relationships

Jun 13, 2026 44 min

People pleasing is not an effective strategy on the path to healthy, conscious relating. But adopting an approach towards autonomy that amounts to ‘I don’t owe anyone anything’ is…not it either. These extremes were adaptive patterns; they helped us survive difficult childhoods, but they don’t help us much as adults. True autonomy, when you really understand it and put it into practice, will strengthen your relationship, deepen your connection, and allow you to experience a new level of freedom. And non-monogamy presents a wealth of opportunities for coming into a deeper relationship with your own autonomy and that of your partners. In this episode, we talk about: — What autonomy actually means (and what it doesn't mean) — The difference between autonomy and individuation, and why that matters — How autonomy can be weaponized or used defensively in relationships — The tension between wanting autonomy and wanting deep interconnection with others — Why "you don't owe anyone anything" is a problematic framework for relationships — The horseshoe effect: how enmeshment and individualism can actually loop back around to each other — The subtle language patterns that reveal whether you're truly practicing autonomy or deflecting responsibility — Permission-based dynamics vs. responsibility-based autonomy — How cultural expectations around monogamy influence our understanding of autonomy — The importance of grounding into your autonomous self while hinging between multiple partners — Why writing down (or recording) your agreements can reveal unconscious patterns in how you relate to autonomy — How practicing real autonomy actually strengthens your relationships rather than weakening them JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up...

247 Non-Monogamy, Mono-Mind: The Invisible Scripts Running Your Communication

Jun 6, 2026 42 min

Chances are, if you know one thing about conscious relating, it’s that communication is key. And if you’re good at communicating in monogamous relationships, you might think that those skills will easily transfer to polyamory. But even when you’re doing non-monogamy, there’s often a set of invisible monogamous scripts making things a lot harder without you even realizing it. This isn’t easy to spot, let alone navigate. When we leave monogamy, we leave behind all those default cultural scripts that (supposedly!) give us shared baseline understandings of what is normal and reasonable to expect in relationships. Except… often we haven’t actually left them behind. And constantly questioning whether or not these unspoken assumptions and cognitive shortcuts are running in the background of your communication can be exhausting. So if you’re finding communication in non-monogamy to be tiring and difficult for reasons you can’t easily identify, this one is for you. In this episode, we talk about: — Why many people who consider themselves "great communicators" struggle when they start doing non-monogamy — The invisible ways we rely on cultural scripts and shortcuts to make communication easier — How the brain conserves energy through defaults, and what happens when we step outside those defaults — The difference between implicit and explicit communication styles, and why mismatches can cause real pain — Why one partner might find all the processing nourishing while the other finds it exhausting — The myth that relationships should be "just fun" and why that can lead to avoiding necessary communication — How to reframe difficult conversations as part of the relationship rather than obstacles to it — Building capacity for hard conversations over time (it's like going to the gym!) — The power of using structured tools like Imago Dialogue and the apology and accountability ladder — Why preparing for conversations isn't unromantic—it's actually deeply caring — The role of regular...

246 We Opened up Too Fast. What Do We Do Now?

May 30, 2026 52 min

The phrase "we opened up too fast" comes up a lot in the conversations we have with people who are transitioning from monogamy to non-monogamy. But what does "too fast" even mean? And more importantly—too fast for whom? Here's the thing: once you've crossed certain thresholds in opening up, there's no going back to a state of unknowing. You can't unsee what you've seen or unknow what you've learned about yourself, your partner, and your relationship. This can feel scary, but it's also where some of the most profound growth happens. In this episode, we talk about: — Why "too fast" is really about thresholds, not speed — How foiled expectations drive so much of our dysregulation in the opening process — The difference between pacing that allows for skill-building versus holding so still that you never actually learn anything — Why differentiation work matters just as much (if not more) than the logistics of who you're dating — The power of imaginal work — How to recognize when you're objectifying potential partners (couples privilege on steroids) and why that's a sign that you might not be ready yet — The reality that monogamy skills don't all transfer to non-monogamy, but non-monogamy skills work everywhere — Why learning resilience and repair skills is more important than getting everything "right" the first time — The profound relief that comes from increased self-knowledge, even when relationships end — How educational community and mentorship can provide the support that makes all the difference Resources mentioned in this episode: — Our Neuro-Somatic Intelligence Essentials Playlist — Our Nervous System Playlist JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot S...

245 Check-Ins That Actually Work

May 23, 2026 41 min

Regular relationship check-ins might sound boring (maybe even like homework), but here's the thing: they're not just maintenance, they're the architecture that holds everything together. Most people either skip them entirely, do them inconsistently, or turn them into overwhelming marathon sessions that feel more like crisis management than connection. And if you’re only having check-ins when there’s a problem, you might be training your body to dread a foundational part of healthy intimacy. That's exactly why we need to talk about this unglamorous but absolutely essential topic. In this episode, we talk about: — Why relationship check-ins are more than just meetings — The difference between relationship hygiene and crisis management — How to customize check-ins for your specific relationship phase, structure, and needs — The problem of relationship administration falling to one perso n, and how to share that labor more equitably — Why daily stand-ups worked for us during chaotic parenting years but monthly deep dives work better now — The different types of check-ins and their use cases — The critical importance of context and container — Why 2,700 texts don't replace an actual connective meeting — How to use check-ins as a way to feel pursued and seen, not just to solve problems — The power of parking lot items and knowing there's always another check-in coming — Practical tips to make check-ins smoother, easier, and more effective — The meta-conversation: checking in about how you check in — Why you need both scheduled check-ins and the flexibility for ad-hoc meetings when something's on fire Resources mentioned in this episode: — The Multiamory Podcast's RADAR format for relationship check-ins — Episode 224: Relationship Anarchy with Dr. Nicole Thompson JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com G...

244 But I Feel like I’m Gonna Die: What Happens When Agreements Meet Attachment Panic

May 16, 2026 51 min

You decided to practice conscious non-monogamous relating, so you made well-thought-out, enthusiastic relationship agreements that reflect your values. And THEN, your partner actually goes on that date. Panic sets in, and those agreements are no match for what feels like a threat to your very survival. We call this attachment panic, and it’s what happens when jealousy activates our pre-verbal, survival-level attachment system. It’s not just an uncomfortable experience–when unchecked, these feelings can keep you stuck in a cycle of promising things to yourself and others that you can’t deliver. So what can you actually do about it? This isn’t just about ‘getting over it.’ We’re not dealing with states that we can reason our way through. That’s why we made this episode – we’re exploring why attachment panic happens, how it shows up, and what you can do to build your capacity, without white-knuckling your way through or abandoning your values entirely. In this episode, we talk about: — Why you can’t just think your way through attachment panic — The specific conditions that trigger attachment panic — How the fear of betrayal or abandonment can activate infantile survival strategies — The cycle of promising things you can't deliver, and how that creates shame spirals — How attachment panic shows up differently in different relationships — The difference between discomfort and panic, and why that distinction matters — Why transparency doesn't equal control, and how the illusion of control feeds panic — How to make smaller, more realistic agreements that match your actual nervous system capacity — The importance of the stories we tell ourselves — Why some people experience attachment panic around their partner dating but not around their own dating — How to reparent yourself through panic — Why relationships don't have to be comfortable to be meaningful — Practical strategies for building capacity — How earned secure attachment is built brick by brick through intentional...

243 Making Decisions Together: Permission, Consultation, and Notification in Relationships

May 9, 2026 43 min

Ever wonder why you and your partner keep having the same frustrating conversations about decisions, even after you've gone through the agreement-making process? Us too! We've discovered that the real issue often isn't what you're deciding, it's that you've never actually talked about how you make decisions together. When we're crafting relationship agreements, most of us jump straight into the content—what's allowed, what's not, schedules, boundaries—without ever discussing the decision-making framework itself. We assume everyone makes decisions "the normal way" (spoiler: there is no normal way), and this oversight can create serious friction, especially when you're navigating non-monogamy, co-parenting, or any relationship structure that involves multiple people with overlapping needs. That’s why these proactive conversations are so important. In this episode, we talk about: — The three decision-making modes and how to identify which one you're actually using — Why permission-based decision-making can accidentally parentify your partner (and how that undermines your own autonomy) — How notification-only approaches can leave you feeling heartless, even when your partner doesn't mind — The hidden ways we seek permission without consciously realizing it, and how that places unfair responsibility on others — Why veto and permission are essentially the same thing (just with different packaging) — How consultation can get stuck when one person withholds consensus as a control mechanism — The importance of understanding whether you're aiming for consensus or just input when you consult — Why different life domains (parenting, business, household management, romantic relationships) may require different decision-making strategies — How couples privilege and power imbalances show up in decision-making expectations — The critical difference between autonomy and individualism—and why self-sacrifice can actually be an individuated choice — Why we need to have meta-conversatio...

242 Betrayal Repair in Non-Monogamy

May 2, 2026 1 hr 14 min

Betrayal in non-monogamy can feel uniquely isolating. When you've already moved away from the traditional guardrails of monogamy—where exclusivity = safety and infidelity is the clear line of betrayal—what happens when trust is shattered? How do you even know what counts as betrayal when you don't have those conventional frameworks to lean on? This episode picks up where our (amazing!) conversation with Eve Rickert left off. We're moving beyond understanding betrayal to exploring what comes next: How do we actually repair? And here's the thing—repair isn't about returning to some wholesome "before time." It's about transformation. It's about building something entirely new while sitting with the reality that you can never unknow what happened. If you've experienced betrayal in your non-monogamous relationship (or caused it), if you're wondering whether repair is even possible, or if you're struggling with the question "do I even get to have expectations?"—this episode is essential listening. We draw on our own experiences of navigating profound harm and the years-long repair process that followed. In this episode, we talk about: — Why betrayal recovery requires entering a liminal space with no guaranteed timeline or outcome — The difference between repair and just "toughening up" until you don't feel anything anymore — How to reclaim agency when betrayal has left you questioning your reality and your relationship — The interior work required for the person who caused harm (spoiler: it's not just about apologizing) — Why the person who was betrayed gets to define their experience, and what that means for repair — The critical importance of not rushing through the pain—for both the betrayed and the betrayer — How to identify which "part" of you took actions that caused harm, and why that matters — The practice of listening without defending when your partner describes how you've hurt them — Why suppressing betrayal (the "beach ball effect") will cause it to pop up sid...

241 Betrayal & Non-Monogamy with Eve Rickert

Mar 7, 2026 52 min

Betrayal isn’t a fun topic for anyone. But when it comes to non-monogamy, betrayal can actually be really hard to identify, because we often don’t have clear cultural scripts and shared assumptions about what’s okay and what’s not. This can open us up to profound experiences of betrayal that make you question not just your partner, but yourself and reality. Eve Rickert (co-author of the second edition of More Than Two and publisher at Thornapple Press) joins us for a MUCH-needed conversation about her powerful new book, Nonmonogamy and Betrayal. We're talking situationships that masquerade as real relationships, people who act like they're building attachment-based connections while secretly keeping one foot out the door, and the ways non-monogamy's flexibility can actually get weaponized against us. If you've ever felt like you were in one relationship while your partner thought you were in something completely different, or if you're struggling to name what went wrong when someone hurt you (but technically didn't break an explicit agreement), this episode is essential listening. We draw on personal experiences of both experiencing and causing betrayal, and we get real about the repair work that has to happen. In this episode, we talk about: — How betrayal is more than just breaking agreements—it's a violation of trust that removes your agency and ability to consent to the reality you're actually living — The difference between betrayals within a relationship (like broken agreements) and betrayals about the relationship (where you discover the whole thing wasn't what you thought it was) — Eve's concept of "bees in the closet"—when your partner makes major changes without your input and then acts like you should have explicitly negotiated against something no reasonable person would expect — Situationships and Schrödinger's relationships: how refusing to define what you're doing creates plausible deniability and sets the stage for betrayal — Why casual relationships...

[Replay] 222 The Greater the Tension, the Greater the Potential: Individuating in Relationships

Feb 28, 2026 42 min

Have you ever felt totally torn between two seemingly incompatible desires? Like part of you wants the freedom of non-monogamy while another part longs for that "one and only" Disney story? You're not alone, and this inner conflict isn't something to rush past—it might actually be your greatest opportunity for growth. In this episode, we’re exploring the Jungian concept of "the tension of opposites" and how it applies to non-monogamy. Rather than seeing these inner conflicts as problems to solve, we explore how bearing this tension can lead to unexpected breakthroughs and deeper self-understanding. This isn't just theoretical—we share practical, creative ways to work with these tensions that go beyond simply "sitting with" uncomfortable feelings. We’re breaking down: — What the "tension of opposites" means and why it's particularly relevant during the paradigm shift to non-monogamy — Why rushing to resolve inner conflicts can actually prevent deeper transformation from occurring — The physical sensations that often accompany inner conflict — How bearing the tension of opposites creates space for the "transcendent function"—a third option we couldn't previously imagine — Why paradigm shifts take years and require us to be comfortable in the "gooey" transformational phase — Creative practices for working with opposing forces — How to ask partners and friends to witness your process without trying to "fix" your conflicts — The value of paying attention to dreams and symbols that emerge during periods of inner tension — Finding balance between bearing tension and making necessary decisions when the time comes Resources mentioned in this episode: — Jung's Collected Works, Volume 13 — Marie-Louise von Franz’s Archetypal Dimensions of the Psyche JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship...

240 The Alchemy of Erotic Jealousy & Compersion: A Reverse-Interview with Dr. Marie Thouin & Dr. Joli Hamilton

Feb 21, 2026 59 min

If you’ve ever been turned on by feelings of jealousy, you are so not alone. Dr. Marie Thouin wrote the book on compersion, so she’s the perfect person to join us to get real about erotic jealousy, humiliation, being “the unchosen one,” and why some of us get hot exactly where we’ve been hurt. In this reverse interview, Joli shares candid stories from early non-monogamy and triad life, using masturbation and fantasy to work with jealousy, and how disposability, comparison, and attachment wounds all show up in her erotic life. They also dig into the ethics and weirdness of fantasizing about real people (including metamours), the idea of “participatory jealousy,” and what it really takes to play with this energy without burning everything down. You’ll hear about kink as a tool for transformation, what happens in the “underworld” of big feelings, and how new erotic experiences can actually rewire old wounds—and make more room for compersion, nuance, and genuine choice in how you relate to jealousy. In this episode, we talk about: — Jealousy as a source of turn-on rather than a problem to fix — The relationship between jealousy, shame, and the struggle for Compersion — Joli’s personal journey with jealousy in early non-monogamy and triad living — Using masturbation and fantasy to work with jealous feelings — The erotic charge of disposability, being “unchosen,” and humiliation — How attachment wounds and humiliation kink intersect with jealousy — Ethical questions about fantasizing about real people (including metamours) — Using placeholders/roles vs. specific individuals in erotic imagination — The idea of “participatory jealousy” and reclaiming agency — Alchemizing jealousy into something transformative (using a Jungian/alchemical lens) — The role of safety, trust, and betrayal in whether jealousy play can be healing — Kink as a tool for psychological transformation, not just sensation — Memory reconsolidation and how new erotic experiences can rewrite old wounds — Ke...

[Replay] 229 Shadow Work in Relationships: What We Keep From Ourselves

Feb 14, 2026 38 min

Secrets, privacy, and the journey to authentic relationships can be a complex terrain to navigate. When one partner keeps secrets—whether consciously or unconsciously—it creates ripples that affect trust, consent, and the very foundation of connection. But what happens when those secrets aren't just kept from partners, but from oneself? This episode dives deep into the challenging work of moving from fragmented realities to integrated selfhood. Many of us have experienced moments where something feels "off" in a relationship, but we can't quite put our finger on it. When inconsistencies emerge between what's said and what's done, trust begins to erode. But the path back to trust isn't impossible—it just requires dedicated, consistent work and a willingness to face uncomfortable truths about ourselves. In this episode, we talk about: — The critical difference between secrecy and privacy in relationships — How keeping secrets from ourselves can be just as harmful as keeping them from partners — The concept of "bifurcated monogamy" and how people can create separate, incompatible realities — Why writing things down can be a powerful tool for those who unconsciously fragment their experiences — How trauma responses can lead to secret-keeping behaviors without conscious awareness — The relationship between autonomy and responsibility — Why consent requires transparency and ongoing information-sharing, especially in interdependent relationships — The importance of meta-conversations about how we communicate across partnerships — How power differentials can impact one's ability to truly consent in relationships — The long, non-linear journey of rebuilding trust after patterns of secrecy — Why dismantling defensiveness is a crucial step in addressing patterns of secrecy — How integration and differentiation work together to create authentic selfhood Resources mentioned in this episode: — Our episode on dismantling defensiveness — Our episode on weasel words JOIN The Year Of...

[Replay] 177 Shadow Dance: Navigating Projections in Relationships

Feb 7, 2026 48 min

The word projection gets thrown around a lot these days, often in an accusatory way (think, “so-and-so is projecting!”). But projection is actually a normal, unconscious psychological process that shows up in all relationships! That doesn’t mean we should let our projections go unchecked. They can interfere with our ability to truly see our partners as whole, autonomous beings. The good news is that when we become aware of our projections, we have a powerful opportunity to uncover and reclaim the parts of ourselves we’ve denied and disowned. And these aren’t always deep, dark shadowy parts—they can also be positive traits like creativity or intelligence. In this episode, we explore what projection is, how it shows up in relationships, and why reclaiming these “shadow” parts is essential for personal growth. Tune in to learn how working through projections can deepen your connections and help you see yourself—and your partners—in a whole new light. We’re breaking down: — What psychological projection is and how it operates in our subconscious minds — The role of projection in falling in love, limerence, and new relationship energy — How projection can interfere with seeing our partners as sacred, autonomous beings — The stages of becoming aware of and working through projections — Why reclaiming projected qualities is essential for personal growth — How projection relates to childhood wounds and unresolved issues from the past — The dangers of over-identifying with negative projections or shadow qualities — Practical strategies for recognizing and working with projections in relationships — The value of patience and compassion when addressing projections with a partner Resources mentioned in this episode: — Carl Jung's Collected Works (This is the Wikipedia page, to give you an idea of what the CW contains. If you’re looking for a good place to begin reading Jung’s work, Joli suggests Memories, Dreams, Reflections) — Episode 164: I HATE THIS: Get Unstuck with Existen...

[Replay] 105 Shadow Work: What if your monsters were trying to help you live the life you always wanted?

Jan 31, 2026 45 min

Do your monsters sometimes stage a take-over, hurting you and others? If your monsters could help you live more of the life you want to live, would you get to know them, and invite them in? What about sharing them with a trusted partner in a thoughtful, conscious process? Ken did, and it made him cry, right here in the podcast - tears of relief for the possibility of realizing potential. We're talking about letting in our darker parts, and how much our lives can expand when we do. In this episode, we talk about: — What shadow work actually is and why Carl Jung's metaphor is so powerful yet simple — How our "monsters" operate autonomously when we don't acknowledge them — The relief that comes from finally recognizing and taking responsibility for our shadow aspects — Why personifying our shadow material can make it easier to work with — How kink and shadow work can intertwine as psychological practices — The difference between engaging with the "regalia" of kink versus the psychological depth — Why creating psychological safety is essential before doing shadow work with a partner — How projection reveals our shadow material in relationships — The importance of accepting enjoyment of shadow aspects without endorsing harmful behaviors — Why shadow work is a lifelong spiral rather than a circle we keep traveling — Ways to engage with your shadow independently if your partner isn't interested in this work Resources mentioned in this episode: — Joli's ⁠Sexual Shadow Masterclass⁠ — ⁠The Avett Brothers - The Perfect Space⁠ — Suzanne Vega - Don't Uncork What You Can't Contain JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Bl...

[Replay] 164 I HATE THIS: Get Unstuck with Existential Kink (A shadow work method)

Jan 24, 2026 54 min

A lot of personal growth work is about recognizing and focusing on taking responsibility and changing what we can change in our lives. But sometimes you’re stuck. Stuck and bewildered by how this shit keeps happening. Those same old cyclical situations… a heated argument with a romantic partner, a recurring issue at work, a really challenging family dynamic… where we feel like we have no control. All those tools and practices go out the window and it feels like the situation is just happening at us. These challenges are the perfect place to start practicing shadow work—the process of becoming aware of what you’ve suppressed, hated, and denied about yourself. Sound a little scary? Don’t worry, shadow work does not mean embracing and enacting all the mean parts of yourself. In other words, doing this work doesn’t mean becoming an a*****e. There are many ways to do shadow work, but today we’re focusing on a method created by Carolyn Lovewell called Existential Kink. Existential Kink involves loving, accepting, and owning the ‘guilty pleasure’ we get from the shadowy aspects of our subconscious, and we’re walking you through the whole process. In this episode, we’re breaking down: — What the shadow is — What it means to do shadow work — How Jungian and depth psychology define and approach the shadow — Examples of how and why people repress and deny aspects of themselves — Why unexamined shadow aspects of ourselves often lead to projections — How embracing and recollecting repressed aspects of ourselves can be powerfully transformative for your personal growth and relationships — Why shadow work does not mean embracing and enacting evil/mean aspects of ourselves (AKA becoming an a*****e) — The theory behind and process of Existential Kink — The importance of community and support while doing depth psychological work Resources mentioned in this episode: — My Individuation Alchemy program — Carolyn Lovewell’s book, work, and programs — Lindsay Braman’s Emotion Sensation Fe...

239 Radical Relating with Mel Cassidy

Jan 17, 2026 55 min

Radical relating isn't just about who you're dating—it's about dismantling systems of power and creating community. In this episode, we welcome Mel Cassidy, somatic relationship coach and author of "Radical Relating: A Queer and Polyamory-Informed Guide to Love Beyond the Myth of Monogamy." Mel shares their journey from blogger to coach to author, and how their work challenges the foundations of mono-normativity. We explore how white supremacy culture, colonization, and Christianity have shaped our understanding of relationships, and how we can break free from these restrictive patterns to create more authentic connections. This conversation goes far beyond the typical focus on sex in non-monogamy discussions. Instead, we dive into how resource sharing, conflict resolution, and community building can help us create more liberatory forms of love—whether we're in monogamous relationships, polyamorous networks, or anywhere in between. In this episode, we talk about: — How white supremacy culture, colonization, and Christianity have shaped monogamy as the default relationship structure — The concept of "anarcule" as a way to understand relationships beyond sexual connections — Why perfectionism in relationships is a harmful aspect of mono-normativity that prevents authentic communication — How the nuclear family was designed as a political tool to counter feminism and socialism — Ways to practice resource sharing even if you're not interested in having multiple romantic partners — The importance of decentering sex in our understanding of relationships and asking "what does sex mean to you?" — Why Google calendars might actually hide conflict rather than resolve scheduling issues — Practical approaches to conflict resolution, starting with low-stakes issues to build capacity — How our nervous systems "time travel" during conflict, bringing up old wounds and patterns — The value of understanding who you become during conflict and how to work with different conflict styles...

238 Thriving in Long-Distance Relationships

Jan 10, 2026 31 min

Long-distance relationships can feel like a never-ending uphill climb. When there are miles between you and your partner, it's easy to fall into patterns that make connecting feel more like a chore than a choice. Whether you're separated by a two-hour drive or multiple time zones, the question eventually surfaces: "How do we keep going without it feeling like endless work?" We understand this struggle deeply. The fatigue that comes with maintaining connection across distance is real and valid. But what if the solution isn't about working harder, but about reimagining what your relationship is actually for? What if the distance itself offers unique opportunities that proximity never could? In this episode, we talk about: — The importance of clarifying the purpose of your relationship and how this purpose might shift over time — Why mono-normative expectations can create unnecessary pressure in long-distance relationships — How to design relationship rituals that create meaning without becoming another obligation — The value of regularly revisiting and refreshing your relationship agreements — Understanding the unique grief that comes with long-distance relating and how to honor it — Finding the "golden shadows" of distance—the unexpected benefits that proximity doesn't offer — Why endurance alone isn't enough to sustain connection, and how meaning-making transforms the experience — The danger of idealizing proximity and forgetting the challenges that come with day-to-day relating — Creating structure that allows for both stability and novelty in your connection — Practical ways to inject fresh energy and imagination into long-distance relationships Resources mentioned in this episode: — Francis Weller's work on grief JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at w...

237 The Art & Practice of Shedding Mono-Normativity

Jan 3, 2026 46 min

We live in a culture where monogamy isn't just presented as one way to have relationships—it's positioned as the only natural, healthy, and moral way to relate. This assumption runs so deep that most of us never even question it. But what happens when we start examining these unspoken rules that shape our relationships? Mono-normativity affects all of us, whether we're monogamous or not. Bringing these unconscious assumptions into the light can create more authentic, intentional relationships. Because here's the truth: you can't truly consent to something you don't know you're choosing. In this episode, we talk about: — The difference between monogamy and mono-normativity — Why most couples never explicitly define what monogamy means to them—and the problems this creates — How to "individuate" your monogamous relationship by making conscious choices rather than following default scripts — The way exclusivity gets overcoupled with safety, specialness, and relationship validity — Practical ways to decenter monogamy without devaluing it — How auditing your language can help create more inclusive spaces for all relationship styles — Why making monogamy a conscious choice can actually strengthen your relationship — The importance of distinguishing between attraction, fantasy, and action in any relationship — How creative practices like making playlists, writing, and storytelling can help us imagine relating beyond mono-normative frameworks — The value of creating your own "monogamy statement" with your partner as a connective, clarifying exercise — Why questioning mono-normativity doesn't mean you have to change your relationship structure—it just means you get to choose it consciously Resources mentioned in this episode: — Alex Alberto's memoir Entwined and their short film JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you...

236 Co-Creating Magnificent Sex

Dec 27, 2025 58 min

What happens when two relationship experts who teach others about intimacy find themselves in an 18-month sexual drought? We recently emerged from what we affectionately call "the swamp"—a period where our once-vibrant sexual connection became strained, disconnected, and frankly disappointing. Despite having all the professional knowledge about creating great sex, we found ourselves stuck in patterns that weren't working, and the solutions weren't immediately obvious. It was a profound opportunity for growth and understanding–the experience taught us that magnificent sex isn't something you figure out once and then have forever. It requires ongoing attention, vulnerability, and a willingness to return to basics when things get off track. In this episode, we talk about: — What "magnificent sex" actually means (hint: it's about soul-shaking connection, not just technique) — The four key elements that create truly magnificent sexual experiences — How even sex educators can lose track of their own erotic needs and desires — Why our sexual "swamp" developed and the surprisingly simple interventions that helped us find our way out — The power of written requests on index cards for neurodivergent communication patterns — The importance of reconnecting with your own core erotic themes rather than just focusing on your partner's — How to create containers of safety that allow for vulnerability and presence — Why aftercare matters and how to customize it for each partner's specific needs — The value of accommodating different communication and memory styles in sexual contexts — Practical ways to rebuild connection Resources mentioned in this episode: — Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers by Peggy Kleinplatz and Dana Ménard — The Erotic Mind by Jack Morin — Transcendent Sex by Jenny Wade — The Wheel of Consent by Betty Martin — Joli's Sexual Shadow Masterclass — Our episode on Nurturing Established Relationship Energy JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a fu...

235 I Think I'm Polyamorous, But I'm in a Monogamous Marriage

Dec 20, 2025 41 min

Discovering your polyamorous identity while in a long-term monogamous relationship can feel both liberating and terrifying. It's a moment of personal truth that can shake the foundations of your partnership—and that's exactly why it deserves careful, thoughtful consideration. When you realize something fundamental about yourself has shifted (or perhaps was always there but unnamed), it's natural to want to share this with your partner. But how do you navigate this conversation without causing unnecessary harm or rushing into territory neither of you is prepared for? In this episode, we talk about: — Why rushing into action after this realization can lead to unnecessary pain and relationship damage — The importance of understanding what your current monogamy actually looks like before trying to change it — How to create space for both excitement about new possibilities and grief about what might be changing — The value of slowing down and sitting in the "liminal space" between paradigms — Why the person bringing polyamory into the relationship needs to be mindful of their partner's need for processing time — The difference between polyamorous identity and polyamorous behavior (you can be polyamorous without having multiple partners!) — How to approach the conversation with care, acknowledging that it may feel like betrayal to your partner — The importance of making explicit what has been implicit in your relationship — Why both partners need support during this transition, regardless of who initiated the conversation Resources mentioned in this episode: — Our guide for having difficult conversations with your partner — Our episode on grief and relationship changes — Entwined by Alex Alberto JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the ans...

234 How to Figure Out What You Want (And Why It’s So Damn Hard)

Dec 13, 2025 39 min

There’s one really important prerequisite for a whole lot of juicy relational goodness… but it sounds deceptively simple… figuring out what you want. Whether it's day-to-day preferences or deeper desires, knowing what we truly want helps us make authentic agreements with ourselves and others. So why is this process so difficult for many of us? In this episode, we’re exploring the psychology behind identifying our true desires, the obstacles that get in our way, and practical strategies for uncovering what we genuinely want. We share personal experiences and tips that can help you reconnect with your desires and use them to create a more fulfilling life. Here’s what we’re covering: — How disappointment can serve as a powerful compass pointing toward what we truly want — The crucial difference between what we genuinely want and what we think we should want — Why some of us struggle to identify our desires due to childhood experiences, birth order, or cultural conditioning — How to distinguish between assumptions about what will happen versus actual desires — The power of using envy and "justice jealousy" as indicators of our deeper wants — Practical techniques for accessing your imagination when you feel stuck or disconnected from your desires — Why constraints can sometimes help us identify what we want more clearly than complete freedom — How different personality types approach the process of wanting differently — The concept that "desire desires desire" and how the gap between wanting and having creates energy — Strategies for working with the tendency to lose interest once we obtain what we thought we wanted Resources mentioned in this episode: — Jessica Fern's book Polysecure — Our episode on Justice Jealousy — Unruly: Our agreements lab for unconventional relationships JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are...

233 The Case for ‘Boring’ Polyamory

Dec 6, 2025 33 min

When we're in the thick of navigating non-monogamy, especially in the early stages, it can feel like an endless emotional workout. The jealousy, the NRE highs and lows, the constant communication—it's a lot! Many people wonder if it will ever get easier or if this constant state of emotional processing is just what non-monogamy is all about. The good news? It absolutely can become more easeful! In this episode, we explore what "boring polyamory" might look like and why it might actually be a good fit for you. We challenge the assumption that non-monogamy must be inherently harder than monogamy and offer practical insights for creating more sustainable, grounded relationships. We’re breaking down: — The difference between "easy" and "easeful" in relationships — How we often mistake intensity for intimacy, and why that keeps us locked in drama cycles — The ways we unconsciously validate our non-monogamy by staying in turbulence and conflict — Why the premise that "monogamy is easier" is a harmful myth that keeps us stuck — How our nervous system awareness directly impacts our capacity for easeful relationships — The drama triangle and how it keeps us locked in unhealthy patterns — The importance of making implicit expectations explicit through clear agreements — Creating micro-spaces for reconnection and communication in your relationships — Why familiar patterns will win out over healthy ones (and what to do about it) — How to identify what a week of calm, fulfilling polyamory would look like for you Resources mentioned in this episode: — Our Drama Triangle episode JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue...

232 How to Keep Going When Non-Monogamy Feels Too Hard

Nov 29, 2025 40 min

Feeling exhausted by non-monogamy? You're not alone! Even when we know why we chose this path, the day-to-day reality can sometimes feel overwhelming. But before you throw in the towel, let's explore what's really happening when non-monogamy feels like "too much" – and what you can do about it. Whether you're new to non-monogamy or have been practicing for years, we all hit points where we question if the effort is worth it. The good news? There are concrete strategies you can use to build resilience and reconnect with your "why" – without burning yourself out in the process. In this episode, we talk about: — The difference between persisting through growth versus persisting through unnecessary pain — How to assess whether you're genuinely at capacity or just expecting things to be easier than they realistically can be — The importance of checking your actual capacity across different domains of life (physical, emotional, social) — Practical ways to recognize your personal "tells" when you're becoming dysregulated — Why the stories we tell ourselves about our exhaustion matter just as much as the exhaustion itself — Building nervous system regulation skills to help manage relationship challenges — The value of making meaning from difficulties rather than just trying to eliminate them — Why it's impossible to "go back" to not knowing about relationship possibilities once you've started exploring them — How the skills you're developing through non-monogamy benefit your growth regardless of your relationship structure — The importance of community support when navigating relationship challenges Resources mentioned in this episode: — Normalizing Non-Monogamy's community resources — Marion Woodman's The Ravaged Bridegroom — James Hillman's works — Andrea Zanin's Post Non-Monogamy and Beyond Playing With Fire has been featured at #3 in FeedSpot's list of the ⁠Top 25 Non-monogamy Podcasts⁠! JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registra...

231 The Holiday Survival Guide for Polyamorous People

Nov 22, 2025 36 min

Holidays can be a joy-filled time, but they can also become incredibly complicated when you're navigating non-monogamous relationships. How do you balance time between partners, metamours, family members who might not know about your relationship structure, and children who just want to have fun? The stress can quickly overshadow the joy you're hoping to experience. We've been there! That first holiday season after opening up can feel overwhelming as you try to figure out how to integrate new relationship dynamics into established traditions. The good news is that it does get better with time, especially as you learn what works and what doesn't for your unique situation. In this episode, we talk about: — Why holidays act as amplifiers for both joy and challenges in non-monogamous relationships — The importance of documenting what works and doesn't work during your holiday season so you can make adjustments next year — How to handle being at different levels of "outness" with different family members during holiday gatherings — The additional stress that falls on people in "hinge" positions who are trying to balance multiple partners' needs and expectations — Why non-monogamy often becomes the scapegoat for holiday stress (when holidays have always been complicated!) — Practical strategies for redistributing emotional labor during the holidays — The value of scheduling regular check-ins with partners during high-stress holiday periods — How to identify and honor what brings you joy during the holidays rather than just following traditions out of obligation — The importance of prioritizing relationships over holiday perfection — Why reimagining holiday traditions can be a powerful opportunity to align your celebrations with your values Resources mentioned in this episode: — Our episode on learning how to spend time together as a polycule Playing With Fire has been featured at #3 in FeedSpot's list of the ⁠Top 25 Non-monogamy Podcasts⁠! JOIN The Year Of Opening® commun...

230 Can Trauma Survivors Do Non-Monogamy?

Nov 15, 2025 46 min

Many people wonder if their trauma history means they can't successfully navigate the complex emotional terrain that comes with open relationships. When we step away from default monogamy into consciously chosen relationship structures, our nervous systems can get activated. This may be especially challenging for trauma survivors, whose systems are often already primed for hypervigilance. The truth? It's absolutely possible, but it requires intentionality, support, patience, and self-compassion. In fact, many trauma survivors may be especially well-equipped for non-monogamy; the healing work and skill development you’ve already done to manage your trauma could become powerful tools for navigating polyamory. In this episode, we talk about: — The common fear that trauma survivors have about whether they "can handle" non-monogamy — Why trauma history is not a disqualifier for non-monogamy, but does require special consideration — How opening up can actually provide evidence that your healing work is working — The disconnect between intellectual readiness and bodily/nervous system readiness for non-monogamy — Why trauma survivors often have robust toolboxes for managing relationship challenges — The importance of pacing yourself and recognizing when you need to slow down — How community support creates perspective and validation during challenging transitions — The difference between a partner moving slowly versus stonewalling — Why explicit repair practices are especially crucial for trauma survivors in non-monogamous relationships — The value of creating flexible, time-bound agreements rather than rigid "forever" rules — How the investment of time, energy, and patience can lead to profound growth and authentic relating Resources mentioned in this episode: — Free Nervous System Regulation Training — Trauma Rewired podcast hosted by Jennifer Wallace — Unruly: An Agreements Lab workshop for creating flexible, resilient agreements — Our free Repair Skills Videos Playing W...

229 Shadow Work in Relationships: What We Keep From Ourselves

Nov 8, 2025 38 min

228 “I Only Get the Hard Parts”: Living with Asymmetry in Polyamory and Life

Nov 1, 2025 47 min

Ever feel like your journey into non-monogamy is all about hard work? You're not alone. Many people reach a point where they wonder if all the emotional regulation, self-reflection, and relationship meetings are worth it. This feeling is incredibly common, whether you initiated opening your relationship or not. We've both been there. The reality is that unpacking our assumptions about relationships takes significant emotional energy, especially when regular life continues demanding our attention. But there’s so much you can do to make peace with these feelings. This episode will help you to re-ground into your reasons for being poly, and find practical tips for re-energizing and recovering from overwhelm. In this episode, we talk about: — Why it's normal to feel overwhelmed by the constant self-work required in non-monogamous relationships — The importance of connecting to your "poly why"—your personal values and reasons for choosing this path — How entitlement can secretly undermine our experiences when things feel asymmetric or unfair — Why community support is crucial when navigating difficult emotions (and what to do if you don't have access to community) — The value of self-expression through writing, art, or other creative outlets when processing challenging feelings — How to recognize when you're falling into the "martyr" or "hero" archetype in your relationships — The difference between dating for genuine connection versus dating to "balance the scales" when your partner is having more fun than you — Why celebrating your milestones and growth—even the seemingly small ones—is essential for sustainability — The importance of acknowledging that asymmetry is normal in relationships, and "balance" may not be the right goal — How to reconnect with pride in your journey of unpacking the ownership model of relationships Resources mentioned in this episode: — Our PWF episode about finding compatible partners JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of lear...

227 Transforming Shame into Love with Jessica Fern and David Cooley

Oct 25, 2025 46 min

We all carry shame—it's part of the human experience. But what if there was a way to transform that shame into something more nurturing and supportive? In this episode, we welcome back Jessica Fern and David Cooley to discuss their groundbreaking new book, Transforming the Shame Triangle: From Shame to Love with Parts Work. Jessica describes this as her most important book yet! This isn't just another relationship book—it's a practical guide to understanding and transforming the internal patterns that keep us stuck in cycles of shame, self-criticism, and unhealthy coping mechanisms. Whether you're in a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship, the tools and insights shared in this conversation can help you build more authentic connections with yourself and others. In this episode, we talk about: — What the "shame triangle" is and how it operates within us — How shame narratives are inherited from family, culture, and society rather than being personal flaws — The ways our inner critic can transform into an inner coach with more supportive messaging — How our "escaper" behaviors (like perfectionism, numbing out, or overworking) can evolve into inner nurturers — The connection between attachment styles and our preferred escape strategies — Why addressing our shame triangle is essential for authentic living rather than just surviving — Practical ways to recognize when you're caught in the shame triangle during interactions with partners — How to create a shared language around shame that can deepen intimacy and understanding — The importance of differentiating between raw emotional experiences and the shame stories we tell about them — How this work can help break cycles of intergenerational trauma Resources mentioned in this episode: — Jessica and David's new book: Transforming the Shame Triangle: From Shame to Love with Parts Work (out October 31st) — Jessica's website — David's website JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Regis...

226 The Secret Sauce of Happy Non-Monogamy: Exquisite Transition Management

Oct 18, 2025 39 min

We all experience transitions in our relationships. And, they can actually be even more frequent in non-monogamous relationships, like when our attention shifts from one partner to another, when we leave for a date, or when we return home. These seemingly small shifts in energy and attention can create surprising friction, even in the healthiest dynamics. A ton of us could use extra support around these issues. In fact, transition management is the topic that results in the most emergency sessions scheduled with Dr. Joli! That's because these moments, when handled poorly, can turn what could be positive experiences into sources of conflict and disconnection. But with some thoughtful planning and self-awareness, transitions can actually become opportunities for deeper intimacy. In this episode, we talk about: — What relationship transitions actually are (they're more than just coming and going!) — Why the "grinding" day-to-day moments can either build you up or wear you down — The importance of acknowledging your own transition style—are you a "fast shifter" or a "slow shifter"? — Why it's okay to be "high maintenance" about your transition needs (and why pretending you don't have needs only makes things worse) — How to create simple but effective transition rituals that don't have to be complicated to work — Why compromise in transition planning doesn't necessarily mean "splitting the difference" — The critical difference between reconnection and debriefing (and why mixing them can lead to problems) — How to handle the "last bit of time" before reunion, which is often the hardest part for the person at home — The unique challenges of managing transitions in long-distance relationships — Why the fear of being "too needy" can actually prevent us from creating the transition support we really need JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relations...

225 Fears, Hopes, and Aftercare: Preparing for Polycule Gatherings

Oct 11, 2025 36 min

Navigating shared spaces as a polycule can feel like stepping into uncharted territory. Whether you're attending a community event, family gathering, or social outing with multiple partners, the absence of cultural scripts can leave us feeling uncertain and vulnerable. Many of us struggle with questions like: How do we introduce each other? What level of affection is appropriate? What happens if we run into unexpected people? These concerns are completely normal when venturing beyond the default monogamy script that society provides. The good news is that with some preparation and self-awareness, we can create meaningful experiences together while honoring everyone's boundaries. In this episode, we talk about: — Why approaching polycule gatherings as "experiments" rather than perfect events or potential disasters creates a healthier mindset — The importance of having intentional conversations before spending time together in shared spaces — How to handle introductions, labels, and public displays of affection when cultural scripts don't exist for your relationship structure — Creating personal "self-rescue plans" for moments when you feel excluded or uncomfortable in group settings — The value of separating reconnection, aftercare, and debriefing after shared experiences — Why some people feel energized by challenging social norms while others find it uncomfortable — How to navigate situations where some partners are "out" and others aren't — The emotional impact of feeling like someone's "secret" and how different people respond to various levels of relationship visibility — Why processing time varies between individuals — The importance of community support when navigating relationships outside mainstream norms Resources mentioned in this episode: — Self-regulation skills training available on YouTube JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your...

224 Relationship Anarchy with Dr. Nicole Thompson

Oct 4, 2025 54 min

Most of us have been conditioned to follow relationship "escalators," those predetermined paths that dictate how our connections should progress. But what happens when we step off these escalators and design our relationships according to our own values? What if we could move beyond hierarchical thinking and embrace a more expansive view of love and connection? Enter, relationship anarchy, and Dr. Nicole Thompson, who’s joining us to explore this fascinating path to more intentional, authentic connections across every aspect of our lives. We aren’t just talking romance here–relationship anarchy is about reimagining all your relationships by examining and dismantling their power structures. In this episode, we talk about: — What relationship anarchy really means: — How relationship anarchy connects to political anarchist values of self-governance and community care — Why relationship anarchy isn't just about romantic or sexual relationships but applies to all connections in our lives — The difference between "power over" dynamics versus conscious stratification of relationships — How to recognize when you're using hierarchy as a safety mechanism rather than as an intentional choice — The challenge of moving away from obligation-based relationships toward mutuality and choice — Why commitment looks different in relationship anarchy — The revolutionary feeling of knowing someone chooses to be with you when they have complete freedom not to — How to begin practicing relationship anarchy by first recognizing all the relationships you already have — The importance of community in providing multiple sources of love and support — Why relationship anarchy requires ongoing consciousness about power dynamics in all areas of life — How to navigate the reality of finite time and energy without defaulting to unconscious hierarchies Resources mentioned in this episode: — Modern Anarchy Podcast, hosted by Dr. Nicole Thompson JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of le...

223 Recovering From Purity Culture with Lauren Elise Barnes

Sep 27, 2025 50 min

Purity culture can often shape our sexuality in ways we don't even realize. Whether you grew up deeply immersed in it or just caught the edges, cultural messages about sexual "purity" impact how we view ourselves, our bodies, and our relationships. But what happens when we start questioning these teachings? How do we reclaim our sexuality and pleasure after being told our bodies belong to someone else? Lauren Elise Rogers joins us to share her powerful journey from purity culture survivor to certified holistic sexuality educator. Her story of transformation—from wearing a purity ring and teaching "Ladies in Waiting" Bible studies to becoming an embodied intimacy coach—shows us that liberation is possible, even after deep indoctrination. In this episode, we talk about: — What purity culture actually is and how it manifests — The subtle ways purity culture shows up even for those who weren't raised in religious households — Lauren's personal experience with purity culture, including her first marriage to a man who later came out as gay — How pleasure became the pathway to Lauren's deconstruction and healing — The challenges of exploring sexuality after leaving purity culture behind — The resurgence of purity culture concepts in modern movements like "trad wife" culture and certain wellness spaces — A powerful exercise for examining your own beliefs about sex, relationships, and pleasure — How questioning our inherited beliefs about sexuality can lead to greater authenticity and joy Resources mentioned in this episode: — Lauren's website — The documentary Give Me Sex, Jesus — Mary Magdalene Revealed by Meggan Watterson — The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to...

222 The Greater the Tension, the Greater the Potential: Individuating in Relationships

Sep 20, 2025 42 min

Have you ever felt totally torn between two seemingly incompatible desires? Like part of you wants the freedom of non-monogamy while another part longs for that "one and only" Disney story? You're not alone, and this inner conflict isn't something to rush past—it might actually be your greatest opportunity for growth. In this episode, we’re exploring the Jungian concept of "the tension of opposites" and how it applies to non-monogamy. Rather than seeing these inner conflicts as problems to solve, we explore how bearing this tension can lead to unexpected breakthroughs and deeper self-understanding. This isn't just theoretical—we share practical, creative ways to work with these tensions that go beyond simply "sitting with" uncomfortable feelings. We’re breaking down: — What the "tension of opposites" means and why it's particularly relevant during the paradigm shift to non-monogamy — Why rushing to resolve inner conflicts can actually prevent deeper transformation from occurring — The physical sensations that often accompany inner conflict — How bearing the tension of opposites creates space for the "transcendent function"—a third option we couldn't previously imagine — Why paradigm shifts take years and require us to be comfortable in the "gooey" transformational phase — Creative practices for working with opposing forces — How to ask partners and friends to witness your process without trying to "fix" your conflicts — The value of paying attention to dreams and symbols that emerge during periods of inner tension — Finding balance between bearing tension and making necessary decisions when the time comes Resources mentioned in this episode: — Jung's Collected Works, Volume 13 — Marie-Louise von Franz’s Archetypal Dimensions of the Psyche — The expansive love playlist JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠ Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart way Are you r...

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265 Trauma-Sensitive Relating: A Non-Therapist’s Guide

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Created by: Dr. Joli Hamilton and Ken Hamilton
Status: Active
Latest episode: Nov 14, 2026
Episodes: 270
Release period: Weekly
Avg. episode length: 47 min
Explicit: No
Language: English

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